Want Some False Doctrine in Your Life? Try These Handy Tips!

Kudos to Steve Kozar over at the Messed Up Church blog (love that blog name), for this article, which captures the more frustrating elements of trying to contend for the faith in an environment where yeast grows freely.  (Plus, it’s the first Christian blog I know of that has found a way to incorporate Shaba into the content!  Read on:

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Don’t be shy about it-admit it: false doctrine is fun and, well, it just feels good. Here are some handy tips to keep you fully deceived and incapable of discernment:

1. Always think to yourself: “I know what he meant” when false teachings are taught; don’t listen to the actual words themselves. Pretend you are giving someone the “benefit of the doubt” when you’re actually permitting bad teaching. Also, bad teaching isn’t so bad if the pastor tells an emotional story to drive home the heresy; and he must be telling the truth if he starts to cry, especially at the same point of the story in multiple services!

2. Here’s a handy saying: “No church is perfect!” The assumption here is that it’s not of any value to carefully examine doctrine because all churches are wrong in one way or another, so just accept anything. If you go to the church because “you feel comfortable there” and the “worship team really rocks” you’ll probably never have to think much about doctrine anyway. This can also be modified as: “No pastor is perfect!” False teachers and mediocre pastors really appreciate it when you think this way.

3. Focus on your feelings rather than the clear teachings of Scripture. Because you’re a sinner, this will be very easy. For added validation of your false beliefs, convince yourself that God told you to disobey Him and somehow violate His word; but don’t use such obvious language. For example, say: “I really feel that God spoke to my heart, that’s why I believe it’s okay to       (fill in the blank with whatever sin and/or false doctrine you want). A great little catch phrase to instill this principle would be something like this: “Theology will never change a man as much as a direct encounter with God.” Of course, if you really had a direct encounter with God you’d probably be dead…

4. Allow false doctrine from a teacher because “he has some good things to say, too…” A handy little phrase to repeat is: “Chew on the meat and spit out the bones.” Although this concept isn’t Biblical, pretend that it is. It will probably help you to imagine yourself “open-minded” and “non-judgmental” when you repeatedly ignore God’s clear instructions to hold fast to correct doctrine.

5. Consider “doctrine” the same thing as “religiosity” or “legalism.” If you realize that doctrine is just another word for teaching (and the Bible demands correct teaching) you might decide to become more discerning, and remember, false teachers everywhere are counting on you to stay ignorant and gullible.

6. Promote false teaching “for the sake of the un-churched.” You want to have lot’s of new people coming to church, don’t you? Well, give the public what they want and watch attendance skyrocket! Remember, the unrepentant sinners out there will show up if they are promised something to appease their selfish desires. Better sex? Bigger paychecks? Well-behaved children? God can give your un-saved neighbor all of that-and more! The seeker-friendly pastor already knows this dynamic growth program, and with your blind support (and weekly tithe checks) he will craft emotionally appealing motivational speeches to convert pagans into regular attending members! And let’s not forget that these same pastors (“leadership experts”) will provide your community with a sense of purpose and identity (and a six-figure salary for themselves), so don’t bog them down with Biblical requirements that would stunt the growth of the organization.

7. “Group Think” is a major component of false doctrine, so, “go with the group!” Fortunately for you, there are plenty of groups that are teaching and promoting false doctrine, so just pick the one you’re most comfortable with and buy into their twisted version of Christianity. Here are some of your choices:

First, there’s the “What do we believe this month?” “Emerging”, Post-Modern church (think: Rob Bell, Brian McClaren, etc.). Millennials love this one; it’s hip and it only get’s hipper as it dumps Biblical doctrine in favor of pagan mysticism and cultural sensitivity (which is usually just capitulation to the culture). Remember, you’re never actually believing false doctrine, you’re just “having a conversation!” Wink wink, nudge nudge.
Second, for the suburban soccer-mom crowd, there’s the “seeker-friendly” mega church (think: Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, Andy Stanley, etc.). These churches are a mash-up between a cinema-plex, a shopping mall and a Starbucks. Bigger is better, right?! And if you ever (accidentally) start to question whether anything lines up with Scripture, you can just take a look around the vast auditorium: this many people can’t be wrong! As long as you think so, you clever little conformist!
Thirdly, for the truly adventurous, you can find a vast number of Charismatic churches that aren’t even close to orthodox Christianity! (Think: Bill Johnson, Rick Joyner, T.D. Jakes, etc.) What’s not to like about a church that believes anyone can come up with new doctrine anytime by hearing directly from God?! Oh sure, they give lip service to the Bible, but with proof-texting, they can make the Bible appear to say anything! Does God just want you to be rich, happy and successful? Sure He does! Do we just have to “speak that into existence?” Sure we do! Remember, the Holy Spirit is your personal genie in a bottle, and after you’ve swayed back and forth with the praise band for an hour or two, you’ll actually start to believe that. Key words and phrases: “Woooo!” “Fire!” “More, Lord, more!” “Shaba!” “I feel a releasing of the anointing that is beginning to shift the atmosphere, and the mantle of His presence is about to come down so that the glory of His anointing can release His presence into the manifold destiny of His glory…”

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14 Responses to Want Some False Doctrine in Your Life? Try These Handy Tips!

  1. Melanie March 16, 2015 at 8:43 pm #

    This is a hilarious take on what is happening in Christianity today. Unfortunately, it is no laughing matter that so many people are being misled. I grew up in a cult and as a result I know have a "passion for truth." Many times I have made attempts to educate brothers and sisters in the Lord in regards to the doctrinal belief systems of well known "Christian" evangelists and authors to have it fall on deaf ears. Many are clueless to what the emergent church even is. My heart breaks for so many that are being swayed by this watered down version of the gospel.

  2. Robert Burke March 16, 2015 at 9:35 pm #

    Except you believe in the Rapture?

  3. Josephine Horace-Jackson March 16, 2015 at 9:46 pm #

    It is humorous to a point but then, the reality sets in. People are indeed being led astray sith false doctrines but there are just as many being bound with legalism. Jesus vame to set us free! His word is liberating and brings life to whatever or whomever it comes into contact with.

  4. Robert Burke March 16, 2015 at 10:03 pm #

    In other words, you write that the subtext of Emergent/Seeker Friendly is laziness, laid over a text of Gospiel.

    Then, you write in essence, the subtext of Prosperity Pimping is greed, laid over a text of Gospiel.

    But you delete discussion of how the subtext of Rapture End-times Inkblotism is fear, laid over a text of Gospiel.

    This discussion you delete? Imagine if you had this discussion, and chucked all fear doctrines, and imagine the sight and understanding you would gain by doing a triune expulsion of fear, greed and laziness thru orthodoxy!

    This is discussed in "In That Day Teachings." Google it! And be honest with your dislike of selling bad emotion!

    • standupwi March 17, 2015 at 8:20 am #

      Nothing was deleted, Robert, if that's what you are asking about. Sometimes our filter, "Intense Debate," will delete comments immediately before I even see them. I will try to see if that's the case.

    • AreYouReady March 20, 2015 at 11:56 am #

      It might be good to remember that "The fear of God is the beginning of Wisdom"

  5. tonibrown64 March 17, 2015 at 9:21 am #

    I experienced this type of church for a short time and it was heartbreaking, as the pastor talked about sin and repentance but they were re-defined for us to be less offensive by totally removing God's law. Grace, grace and more grace was their mantra and the pursuit of holiness (1 Pet 1:14-16) that we are commanded by Christ was reduced to legalism.
    Grace is the heart of Christianity, but these false teachers turn the grace of God into lasciviousness (Jude 1:4).
    I am very sad to say this but with the gay agenda ramping up these teachings are going to become more and more popular, as many Christ "professors" will find that this pseudo Christianity doesn't carry the baggage of persecution that real Christianity does. Sad days ahead for the institutional church.

  6. Mickey March 17, 2015 at 9:25 am #

    Can you guys post a link to the messed up church blog? Thanks!

    • A. S. March 17, 2015 at 9:50 am #

      Yes, it is in the article.

  7. Rosebud March 17, 2015 at 12:37 pm #

    Oh goodness, these "tips" are funny. Under the (appreciated) humor, though, it's painfully absurd what people are all too willing to pass off as biblical Christianity. Sigh.

  8. Evangelina Vigilantee March 17, 2015 at 7:05 pm #

    And don't forget this one:

    8. Young life
    Who doesn't want to see those young hipster vibrant energetic young people of the "next generation" that they will brainwash to 'bring in the "kingdom" '? So what bait to use? Just offer everything that appeals to the flesh of young and unsaved people; scantily clad singers, good ol' rocknroll, hipster leaders, and milktoast mush for the sermon along with a swivel tray of exciting 'programs'! Bring in those neon lights and sleek modern equipment, make everything bow to the culture, and whatever you do… don't talk about sin!

  9. John Thompson March 21, 2015 at 10:13 pm #

    You who slam on others that speak Jesus! What are you preaching? I really would like to know or is it you only preach against other of the faith? I am confused about this! Patriots for Christ shared this link and they slam others all day long but has no other message to give. About salvation of anything in that line of messages. get on your knees ask God to send you the spirit of knowledge and give a shepherds message. Something different then this stuff!

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